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Friday, April 23, 2010

if my cats could talk...

...this is what they would say when they gather, around the kitchen table, each on one chair -

Scooter: Mommy very long never give us canned food. Hmph. (angry face)
Sayang: But Mommy say no money. And the canned food is people donate for the kittens. She said they very poor thing, like me when she first took me home. Is must help to take care the kittens.
Slinky: Where got no canned food. That day she put that one down you ownself don't want to eat. Stupid boy.
Scooter: But is was NOT NICE. It was this Avoderm. I eat already PUKE then got SCOLDED for PUKE. Hmph. (angry face).
Sayang: Scooter didi, you cannot eat so fast one. Is must be slow. Like me. Slowly eat. Must bite and chew. You and Slinky jiejie always never chew that's why always puke!
Scooter: But is HUNGRY! Hmph!
Slinky: The important lesson to learn. Puke at unnoticeable place. Then when they discover it, they won't know who puked. By that time, it would have dried nice and hard, easier to clear. Clean house very important, but puke also important. I have more fur than you, smelly boy, so I should know about puking. (Blinks eyes, shakes tail)
Scooter: Hmph!
Sayang: Scooter didi you should try not to be so greedy...
Scooter: BUT THAT SLINKY AUNTIE IS MORE GREEDY!
Slinky: ... (blinks eyes, shakes tail, mutters to self) says the one who always steals our food before we can eat it.
Scooter: I thought cat is must be greedy. Then is must be picky with food. Then they will keep changing the food to different brands so that we is can have VARIETY.
Sayang: That's good also. Because the brands you all don't like, I like, like Addiction King Salmon with Potato. Is like potato! Always so happy when Mommy and Daddy eating potato out of that brown bag that comes with the nice-smelling uncle on motorcycle.
Scooter: I is SCARED OF MOTORCYCLE! IS LOUD NOISE!
Slinky: So useless. Herngh. Motorcycle, bicycle, all this means humans transporting food. Food which we can eat.
Scooter: BUT IS SCARY LOUD. And that funny thing that Mommy and Daddy use after they torture us with water. Is be very scared.
Sayang: But you is need torture with water. You is very smelly and dirty. Always make me lick you clean. You have to do yourself you know.
Slinky: Yes you is really very dirty you stupid boy. Lucky I got my own toilet.
Scooter: HAH! I go to your toilet every morning before Mommy and Daddy can wake up to scold me. Your toilet has nice water on the floor. Ours don't have nice water to lick on the floor.

Human enters scene.

Andy: Walau all the chairs being occupied by cat!
Slinky: (whispering) Quick all, act cute and stare with sad eyes. Then DON'T move. We warmed the seats ourselves, we shouldn't have to do it for humans too.
Andy: (taking treats out, knocking on box) Scooter! Your salmon treat!
Scooter: OMGOMGOMG I WANT! (pounces on floor and runs toward Andy)
Andy: Haha! The chair is mine! (sits on Scooter's chair)
Scooter: OMG DADDY WHY YOU BLUFF ME.
Slinky and Sayang, together: Cos you're too greedy.





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